The top reasons to NOT take a cruise

Don’t feel like lazing around a pool reading? Can’t stand the idea of sipping cocktails alfresco while the sun sets? Or eating three fabulous meals a day – that you don’t have to cook yourself? Then you definitely shouldn’t take a cruise.

Why mums shouldn’t go within 100km of a cruise

When you’re on a cruise, you’re not allowed to cook breakfast (or make lunch or rustle up dinner). You don’t have to make the beds or pick up towels – someone does that for you after you’ve slept in. After that, things just get worse. There’s a whole menu of spa treatments that you wouldn’t want to take while your children are fully occupied at the kid’s club. And an array of great activities that wouldn’t interest you one bit (Yoga? Bah. Cooking demonstrations by onboard chefs? Yerk!). Sadly, the kids won’t be around to go shopping with you for clothes, jewellery or beauty products, because they’ll be in the pool or slipping down the Green Thunder Waterslide. As for all of that nightly entertainment – from karaoke and comedy to stage shows and the casino – seriously, it’s not for you.

Why dads would hate a cruise

Imagine spending an hour or so at the gym every morning, doing that workout you never get time to do in the busyness of normal life. And spending time at the Sports Bar, watching a game or three – without the kids interrupting you. Outrageous! Luckily, by not taking a cruise you won’t have to spend the afternoon in the adults-only Serenity Retreat nursing a cold beer or a nice strong espresso and watching the horizon disappear. More outrageously, as afternoon winds into evening, you won’t have to take your pick from 16 bars and lounges (eeny, meeny, miny, BlueIguana Tequila Bar) and endless restaurants serving up the world on a plate. Or enjoy a little flutter at the casino. Nope. Definitely not a Dad thing. At all.

Why teens should fake an injury to stay home

Here’s what they don’t tell you: on a cruise, you often find yourself wandering around without Mum and Dad watching your every move. Doesn’t that sound horrible? Imagine it: endless hours shooting down the Green Thunder Waterslide, swimming in the pool, mucking around in the Carnival WaterWorks area, playing mini-golf or shooting some hoops. And only having to meet your parents and little sister for lunch (that would be pizza, or burgers, or Mexican. What a strain!!! Then you might be forced into the video arcade for hours of fun before another brilliant dinner – maybe with just your new mates – and then a blockbuster at the Dive-in Movies with free popcorn. Tell your parents that you’d much prefer to stay home, where they can watch you at all times.

Clearly, no-one in the family is going to enjoy a cruise. Which is why you should not be thinking about booking one as soon as you possibly can.